peachyteachy

For realsies

No Such Thing as a Free Lunch February 16, 2017

Filed under: humor,teaching,Uncategorized — peachyteachy @ 8:08 pm
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Part One: Breakfast

So they say, those naysayers who have never witnessed the veritable smorgasbord that is crafted for our youth at Peachytime Elementary on a daily–nay, semi-hourly–basis. Oh, look.  I have become a naysayer.

I am here to report that no one is going hungry during our school days; not the mice, not the kids, except for those who require ranch dressing for most every menu item here at Chez Peachytime Cafe.

Let me break it down for you:

Ms. Peachy circa 8:23 a.m.:

GOOD MORNING, SUNSHINE! Get your breakfast, plasticware, and a pencil and start chomping! You have 7 minutes to eat your

Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Wonder Waffle in a Bag

Cream Cheese trapped in Bagel Dough

Muffin of Crumb

Rice Chex or Mouse Chex

Plus milk. Which reminds me,

PLEASE SPILL YOUR MILK EXACTLY ONE MINUTE BEFORE TIME TO LINE UP FOR THE HALL! SPILL IT WELL! SPILL IT UPON THE RUG! AND PLEASE SOAK IT UP WITH ONE LINEAR MILE OF THE LEAST ABSORBENT PAPER TOWELS AVAILABLE ON PLANET EARTH. GOOD JOB.

OH GOD I FORGOT TO COMPLETE THE SPREADSHEET DETAILING EXACTLY HOW MANY EATERS HAVE EATEN. IT’S A LEGAL DOCUMENT! I COULD SINGLE-HANDEDLY PUT OUR FEDERAL FOOD ELIGIBILITY IN PERIL! 8:40 AND I’M ALREADY SUCKING!

Spreadsheet and remaining food must go back to the cafeteria now, with data and in its breakfast cozy crate–pick the kids least likely to careen down the stairs with the straps around their necks. This, while five more kids arrive and need to take their breakfast from the crate carriers before we all joyfully walk to specials, hopefully not music. They hate music. Music is too happy. I tell them that it’s forty minutes of their lives and we can get through forty minutes of anything.

My inner monologue: “Forty minutes you’ll never get back…”

 

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Mice, Lice, and Everything Nice October 22, 2016

Filed under: humor,school,teaching,Uncategorized,urban schools — peachyteachy @ 9:37 pm
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Peachy, end of June:

School is still in session.

We’re hard core. We like our students pissed off and confused. The lunch menu is “Chef’s Choice.” Come on!

Peachy, mid/early/late October:

School is in session, again, and this year is clearly slated to consist of 472 days rather than the customary 180. Some things cannot be altered or resolved by upping one’s coconut oil consumption.

Have you ever wondered about the origins of the iconic image of the traditional teacher, hair pulled back and up in a severe bun, cloudy spectacles perched on face? It’s not rocket science.

The bun goes up right around mid-September, at the exact moment when teacher spots tiny and tenacious members of the animal kingdom creeping up her students hair.  It used to be that school nurses would advise parents that their kid would have to be cleared before returning to school, and the remainder of the class would be lined up for the “head check.” No more.  These days, I send a kid who is visibly crawling with critters, along with a note to the nurse: “Head check?”  Six minutes later, the kid comes back with the scrawled reply: “Yes,” and a letter to take home.  Most parents in my school do a less-than-thorough treatment, supporting record levels of lice at any time of the school year.

It’s even worse when one is ambushed at head level by several kids a day, sweetly bestowing hugs before a teacher can establish a safe distance from hairdos.  At this point, teacher scalps feel perpetual itch until the end of the school year.

Let us not overlook our furry friends, the mice of the urban school.  We are provided with sticky traps, which are gory gadgets that can trap a family of mice who are out for a stroll, at which point they usually tear themselves apart in the attempt to escape. Urgent calls to the custodian result in less-than-urgent responses.  In one classroom, a teacher confiscated a note being passed from one student to another, after the entire class had been whipped into a frenzy by the squeaks of trapped rodentia .  The note read, “I tuched the mouse.”

Oh—and the glasses? That teacher’s got pink-eye.

 

 

 

Messy Mother’s Day May 8, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — peachyteachy @ 8:18 pm

peachyteachy

Five years ago, on May 12, it was also Mother’s Day.  It had been a lovely day with my kids, and I had spoken that afternoon with my 80-something mom, who was on what she was determined would be a temporary stay at a nursing home.  Her voice had been so raspy that it was difficult to understand her.  We had talked about the upcoming commencement when I would celebrate the completion of my master’s degree.  She had spoken of sharing with the nurses the photo I had sent of my then four-year-old son.

That night, I was awakened by a phone call telling me that she had passed away.

Obviously, Mother’s Day is bittersweet for me.  It’s also complicated.

Thanks to my mom for all of the important things that she taught me to do and be.  Mom shared with me her passion and respect for the natural world…

View original post 323 more words

 

My Role in the Revolution May 5, 2016

Filed under: education,humor,school,teaching,Uncategorized — peachyteachy @ 8:04 pm
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Where’s Peachy and what’s she doing? She’s busy doing her best to single-handedly dismantle our educational system, that’s what.

Exhaustive data analysis reveals that, if I administer what we call a pre-test, run detailed genetic error analysis of the test, teach for a few weeks,  then have the cherubs take it again after this period of targeted, data-driven instruction, the scores generally support the following:

A. My instruction sucks all knowledge out of the brains of children.

B. My instruction  makes children believe that they are track stars and champions of English as a Second Language (their first language: profanity).

I live to serve.  You’re welcome.

 

You might not be working at Mensa headquarters if. . . February 4, 2016

Filed under: education,humor,teaching,Uncategorized,urban schools — peachyteachy @ 6:07 pm
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*A student asks if biographies are “fake or real,” then notices the birth and death dates in a biography of MLK. “Is that his phone number?”

*A student tells that the solution to the community problem of mosquitoes in summer would be to construct a “honey city,” presumably to attract all mosquitoes away from their eons-old diet of blood from us, to an irresistible city of honey, far enough away that they set up camp and move there.

It’s been a rough week, and it’s not a full moon, so I blame the goddamned groundhog.

TWO fights in two days in my classroom—the kid involved in both NOT a heavy hitter. Particularly heart-breaking.

Today’s third grade responses to a question about a problem in our community:

1) PROBLEM: Mosquitoes

POSSIBLE SOLUTION: Honey City

 

2) PROBLEM: Shooting/Killing/Violence

POSSIBLE SOLUTION: Dangerous criminals go to super max prison.

 

3) PROBLEM: Illegally Parked Vehicles

POSSIBLE SOLUTION: Call police, tow cars, tickets

 

4) PROBLEM: Cockroaches

POSSIBLE SOLUTION: Kill them

When asked how many had been affected by Problem 2? A sea of hands.

Image:http://manasota.us.mensa.org/mbroch.jpg

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Super effective teacher immune to all that teacher crap January 14, 2016

Filed under: education,humor,teaching,Uncategorized — peachyteachy @ 7:45 pm

This school year, I am blessed to have the daily opportunity to interact with a third grader who could, arguably, teach the class. He is a gentle soul, to boot.

Today, when faced with the task of explaining recent snowfall, SweetBrainBoy raised his hand to privately ask for my assistance in spelling the word “fractal.”

Yeah, that was a first, and enough to keep any teacher going for a few more days.

A few minutes later, his hand was up again.

“Yes, SweetBrainBoy?”

“Ms. Peachy? I decided that no one would understand ‘fractal.’ So I changed it to ‘crystal,’ because then at least they will understand.”

 

 

On losing rock stars, and how kids are not excited enough about snow days January 11, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — peachyteachy @ 8:12 pm

I feel super sad when we lose another of them.  The ones who, at some point, have made it very clear that music is the only thing. Period.

Then there are these kids who just don’t know when it is time to rejoice.

There is this kid who developed a Snow Day Calculator. It is super accurate. We shared this with our students today. There is a 99% likelihood of a snowday in the near future. This brings me to the brink of tears of joy. Our students were more excited about the Wendy’s 4 for $4 ad. WTF?

This is why I need a snow day.

 

 

 

 
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