For realsies

When All the Mulch is Gone May 26, 2012

I was at our friendly neighborhood mega mulch mart a couple of weeks ago, and it appeared as though I had somehow missed some universal homeowner memo requiring the purchase of multiple bags of mulch.  Do Homeowner Associations mandate this sort of thing? Are the color options limited? One can only hope that the red stuff is a violation.

I did start to get a little worried about the prospect of a time when the mulch bags run out, when all that is left is a ripped bag of the maxi bark chunks the size of a bar of Ivory soap.  It is 2012, after all.

I remember a time when only a tiny minority mulched their landscapes (or even referred to their yards as “landscapes”–those were pictures above the couch), and most of them used white pebbles, and strategically planted skinny tufts of grass amidst the stones at random intervals, presumably intended to create a sense of whimsical informality.  It was a God-awful time in landscape history.

No, I am not a Geritol customer, but I have what may be a disproportionate awareness of the past of my parents.  I think it is safe to say that folks who have early memories of the Great Depression and WWII tend to be less vigorous mulchmasters than, for instance, Reagan era Young Republicans.  Granted, it takes a darned spritely octogenarian to spread more than a cut off half-gallon milk jug full of mulch, but it’s more than that. Much, much more. It has been suggested in some academic circles that the rise of the mulch nation and its obsession with putting freshly colored stuff on top of everything may, in fact, have been a tribute to Reagan’s own ever-youthful hair color.  Will this man’s contributions ever cease to amaze? I know.

This all begs the sobering question: what will you do when the mulch runs out? Are you prepared to live without it? Or will you be among the numbers shredding dining room furniture?



4 Responses to “When All the Mulch is Gone”

  1. rackofribs Says:

    But dining room chair mulch would be without the telltale natural mulch scent, strongly reminiscent (in my opinion) of vomit. I’m going to start a furniture shredding movement pronto. Get Pottery Barn on the horn!

    • peachyteachy Says:

      Brilliant! But we will have to be careful to guard against the eventuality of them spraying the shreds with vomit, out of a sentimental attachment to the aroma and to spraying stuff on mulch.

  2. seejaytoo Says:

    Shredded recycled tires? They don’t smell nearly as good as the cocoa bean shell mulches–like you’ve been gardening at Willie Wonka’s. But if we’re going with something we have in abundance that we like the smell of…guess I’m going with discarded wine corks.

    • peachyteachy Says:

      I have heard the mythology about the cocoa hulls and their lovely chocolateyness. But the wine cork mulch? Oh, man, inspiration. Quick, take a picture and get that puppy up on Pinterest!

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