One of the deeply awesome things about teaching fifth graders is that they all watch the same things that my younger son watches. As long as you don’t count the graphic horror films that they apparently watch as a matter of course, and which my son states that, if elected, he would abolish. I’m with him. I am a wuss who finds real life horrifying enough without watching stuff intended to raise your stress level. Honey, my stress level is high enough without biting my knuckles while awaiting a fount of blood to erupt from a stupid girl’s sternum. My son also does not view the items that enable our students to compose extended essays regarding oral sex, whilst they remain incapable of writing a paragraph that includes details from a text that they have read. Go figure!
Aside from those notable exceptions, I am on top of much of their media-inspired drivel. “Regular Show?” I watch it. “Yaaay-uhh!” Shut it. I only wish that they were sharp enough to appreciate the nuances of “Adventure Time” and “Gravity Falls.” See, kid’s TV right now actually has some pretty awesome, funny, and creative stuff. So don’t try to quote crap from kiddie pop culture to me.
Here’s the dilemma: I can track certain trends to pop culture. But where do they develop the tendency to write the following: “I saw 3 boys and the three boys the three boys?” I grew up on “My Three Sons.” There were triplets and shit happening there. Is this some obscure 3-ism of which I am unaware? I heard from some wise, unidentified sage, that humor was often delineated in the arena of 3. Obviously, I have yet to master this elevated skill, although my student has some inkling. Clearly, I must continue to study the ways.
But what would Fred MacMurray’s response have been if little Ernie had brought home some garbage like that? I think that there would have been an emotional heart-to-heart in which Ernie would have been gently acquainted with the prospects of a life of flipping burgers, where he could repeat things in threes to his heart’s content. And then, Chip would have piped in about his childhood friend, Skip, who had not only found himself sauteing the patties of the beuf, but later found himself dismissed from said job due to his limited mathematical capabilities, after which he had wound up bunking in the Stevens’ garage. Shame, all around. The good old days.
Meanwhile, the child who wrote about three boys three times in three seconds—she will have to take a test in which she is asked to describe how a character changes throughout a story based on the challenges the character faces, and providing text evidence to support her answer.
Or, three boys.
Report Card Comments, Volume Three October 23, 2012
Tags: humor, paper plane, report card comments
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Actual comment:
Vidalia will need to work hard to improve her writing skills this school year.
Unwritten comment:
Vidalia’s writing was mistaken for an obscure hieroglyph, until she read the piece aloud: “how I know is I know because of theres is no chacartures in the story and so I nose it.”
Actual comment:
Vidalia has shown an ability to focus on a number of tasks.
Unwritten comment:
Vidalia distracts the class during instruction by turning her eyelids inside out. When questioned, her response: “You mean eyebrows?”
Actual comment:
Zorkonoman has lost some instructional time due to his interest in pursuing other activities.
Unwritten comment:
On his bathroom breaks, Zorkonoman spends approximately the same amount of time required to get a shellac mani-pedi.
Actual comment:
Zorkonoman needs to take responsibility for some inappropriate behaviors.
Unwritten comment:
When told, “You must not throw water at people! And it is not okay to grab him around the neck!” Zorkonoman cannot make it all better by grinning, nodding vigorously, saying, “Okay! Sorry!” and giving a thumbs-up.
Actual comment:
Euripedes must remember to practice his artistic interests outside the classroom and during non-instructional time.
Unwritten comment:
Euripedes folded an origami “End of the World” airplane and fortune teller. The ensuing argument included threats to end people’s worlds by punching them in the face.
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