
EMERGENCY! #1:
Do you recognize these two gentlemen? They are Kevin Tighe and Randolph Mantooth–Kevin Tighe probably looks familiar; he went on to a successful movie career, appearing in a few John Sayles films, among others. But first, he was a life-saving paramedic on the super-awesome “Emergency!” Roy and Johnny weren’t too cool to rescue a cat up a tree now and again. This represents the television of my youth. It pre-dates the inferior “CHiPS,” which tried to make up for the lower-case i in its title with Erik Estrada’s neon teeth.
EMERGENCY? #2:
Earlier today, I washed my hands in a well-kept, flatteringly lit, public restroom. Things were going well, thanks to the absence of glaring fluorescent lighting that could make a 22-year-old look like she needs to have some work done, not to mention someone from the 23-plus crowd in which I have dwelled for some time. When I proceeded to the hand-drying stage, I noticed that I had the choice of paper towel dispenser OR the air-blower option. First, I tried to wave my hand at the paper towel dispenser, which resulted in no perceptible change in the presence of paper towels. The toilet had been on a sensor; don’t judge! That is not the emergency; that the towel thing was a manual model. I adapted, and elbowed the hot air blower thing on. This is not the emergency, either, but the hot air was pretty flaccid, as hot air blower speeds go, resembling nothing more than someone mouth-breathing one-fourth of an inch away from your hand. I had been expecting the blast that will distort your features if you stick your face under there. At this point, I turned to the paper towel dispenser to help with my personal goal of drying my hands in less than twenty minutes. It was apparent that there was not an accessible towel, but, much to my relief, there was an EMERGENCY FEED on the side of the machine! What a relief! It was a brighter, sweeter world when I walked out of that bathroom; I can tell you that, mister. I had walked through the emergency and had emerged unscathed and more fully alive (Please note the deft manipulation of the word “emerge” here.).
EMERGENCY? #3:
On the off chance that you take issue with my cavalier attitude toward the whole emergency concept, may I present for your consideration some alleged emergencies that I encounter on a nearly daily basis.
“You stole my pencil and I’m going to punch you in the face! What? It’s on the floor? Oh. Don’t touch my stuff!” Dubious, as emergencies go.
“I have to go to the nurse! We were throwing water on each other when we went to the bathroom without permission and water got in my ear! This ear–water–it hurts! This ear–no water–it doesn’t hurt!” Near-emergency then occurred when I choked on my water in my attempt not to laugh in student’s face.
“Can I PLEEEEEASE go to the nurse? The bottom of my pantleg got wet and I need a new pair of pants. My mom told me if my pantleg is ever wet I should go to the nurse so I won’t get sick.” Let’s do an evaporation experiment instead!
You can see why my definition of “Emergency” has become as broad as the proverbial side of a barn.
You want to talk about legit Emergencies with a capital E?
ACTUAL FREAKING EMERGENCY:
It is an incontrovertible emergency when a woman is being interviewed on television, discussing the legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King, and she utters the following words: “It is important for us to talk about the heroes, and the sheroes, of our history.” WHAT? Where was the emergency editing intervention here? Do we need to enact legislation in order to assure that this completely preventable incident doesn’t repeat itself? Because I am pretty sure that Emergency rooms across the local viewing area were flooded with folks who involuntarily attempted to gouge out their own eyes and ears in the face of the horror of it all.
ANOTHER ACTUAL FREAKING EMERGENCY:
I am making chili for dinner. There is not one onion to be found in the house! WTF?! Fortunately, my guy is a former first responder, and recognized the situation for what it was, pronto. At this point in our relationship, he knows that I am expecting him to not only hightail it to the nearest onion purveyor, but to slap the flashing light on the roof before he throws the car into gear.
Fortunately, some of us know how to respond to an emergency.
image: tvseriesfinale.com
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Report Card Comment Do’s and Don’ts January 22, 2013
Tags: report card comments, report cards
Another invaluable little tutorial from the
trencheshallowed halls.DO write this:
Zorkonoman must work on positive behavior choices with peers. I am supporting him with strategies to quietly bring issues to an adult if he feels threatened.
DON’T write this:
Zorkonoman removed his belt to quietly signal that he was ready to fight during Social Studies. I generally discourage this, especially when accompanied by a stick figure drawing of him, his aggressor with cartoon balloon of “Let’s fight, Bitch!”, and six adoring onlookers.
DO write this:
Homework completion is an issue for Rapscallawag. Please support him in this important practice of our classroom learning.
DONT write this:
Rapscallawag registers shock and confusion when asked on a daily basis whether he has his homework. He does take home at least one classroom pencil daily, possibly to practice reading the words on the barrel. Although, when asked if he had built a bonfire with all of those sticks and papers he never returns, his eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. . .
DO write this:
Vidalia is sometimes distracted by items in her desk.
DON’T write this:
Vidalia was writing on her teeth today with a permanent marker. . . After rendering an image of a pony, rainbow, and kitty in Miami Ink style on her arm.
DO write this:
Captain Sunshine has the potential to be a successful math student—-
DON’T write this:
—If he doesn’t get his cousin to cut you.
DO write this:
Edward Scissorman determined the capacity of his desk in square units.
DON’T write this:
Scissorman has made 375 paper ninja stars, 62 paper pistols, 9 fortune tellers which are arranged strategically in his desk to mask the 14 cereals, 3 bananas and 5 orange juices that he lifts from the cafeteria weekly and transports to the classroom in his pants pockets. He does not take off his belt when ready to fight. He throws ninja stars.
See here and here and here for more professional report card writing tips.
Image: acc.blogs.starnewsonline.com
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