For realsies

Guru of Grades Back to Guide Your Report Card Comment Writing March 21, 2013

Filed under: education,humor,school,teaching — peachyteachy @ 9:11 pm
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Yup! Another marking period has screeched to an underachieving halt! Time to candy coat the truth.

Of course, I never bore you with the comments about the kids who are actually trying most of the time–that’s just the apex of yawner blogging.

Here’s a pearl of report card writing wisdom:

Douchebags first.  If you write the comments for the really tough ones first, you will be fresh and more likely to be able to spin something positive out of their ability to crease paper by licking it first. Some things, on the other hand,  are better left alone.  Sometimes one just needs to wait for the police to step in and communicate to the parent that their kid is both a pathological liar and a kleptomaniac.

On to the nitty-gritty.

Actual comment:

De’nice (pronounced “Dee-Nice” -see What Makes Teachers Laugh) has shown an interest in writing independently.

Unwritten comment:

Denice wrote “Bitch Ass Teacher” on a math poster in the classroom–independently.

Actual comment:

Scooter has expressed an interest in the performing arts.

Unwritten comment:

Scooter lives his every waking moment in school as if he is auditioning for the Three Stooges.

Actual comment:

I continue encouraging Reggie to make mature choices in his response when he receives a consequence in the classroom.

Unwritten comment:

We have an agreement that if he has another whining baby fit over changing his daily “score,” he will watch the same episode of “Teletubbies” for the remainder of the school day.  This could backfire, but only once.

Actual comment:

De’nice claims to have used up all of her school supplies.

Unwritten comment:

The notebooks you sent with her are filled with obscenities and anatomically accurate diagrams of reproductive “tools.” Also, the markers, crayons, pencils, Liquid Paper, tape, cardstock, candy, dice, dry erase markers, glue sticks, scissors, and fancy hand lotion were not obtained through legit trips to the class “prize box.”  De’nice has stolen me blind and I am the one who is out of school supplies.



15 Responses to “Guru of Grades Back to Guide Your Report Card Comment Writing”

  1. “their ability to crease paper by licking it first” you win the award for one of the best and most visual sentences ever written. I bow to your magnificence.

  2. rebecca2000 Says:

    LOL You’re so creative. I am surprised one doesn’t say.

    Actual comment: You child complains sometimes has trouble sitting still.
    Unwritten comment: I put a boot in her ass.

  3. rossmurray1 Says:

    Always love these.

  4. Love it!!! Teachers are the best fiction writers around.

  5. lexiesnana Says:

    Couldn’t sleep tonight so started blogsurfing and am I glad I stopped here. My daughter is a teacher and I could just hear some of these coming out of her mouth. Witty and Funny. God bless our teachers.

  6. Katie Says:

    My favorite ones are the ones that any normal person would see through…”I continue encouraging Reggie to make mature choices in his response when he receives a consequence in the classroom.”

    I’ve never resorted to Teletubbies, but I’m near the end of my rope with my stripper (why can’t he keep his freaking clothes on?!?) so thanks for the suggestion!

    You are the wizard of report card comments. You need to write a “handbook” for teachers. I’d buy it!

  7. valleygirl96 Says:

    Today was the end of our marking period and the start of spring break. Over the next week I get to grade 120 essays, finish grades, and write comments on grade cards too. I cannot thank you enough for the excellent modeling for how to accomplish that awful task successfully. Awesome post!

  8. seeker Says:

    So, that’s how the mind of the teachers work, eh. Too funny.

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