Someone near and dear to me is getting married! I am quite delighted; I have known this young man from the age of two tender months. His fiancee is fabulous and special, and there is no question that they are a match.
Weddings, however, can be so daunting, and so often can cost roughly the same price as a small house in the right flat housing market town. That wall becomes even tougher to climb when one of the wannabe spouses has just shipped to the opposite coast to begin specialized training in the armed forces. Cupid, at this point, is on the verge of a meltdown.
Enter the miracle of the double proxy wedding! This is the process by which two individuals may be legally joined in holy matrimony—in absentia. At the tear-jerking event, two professional proxies stand (or, more accurately sit) in for the betrothed pair. This is only legal in one state, that shall remain nameless. Suffice it to say that there is no speed limit there, and that the sky above is frequently characterized as “big.” Or, you could do some detective work and link to the New York Times article above.
Upon learning of this unorthodox plan, and after I had wiped away the tears of mirth, I was overcome by questions. Why are these professional proxies necessary? Had these supremely gifted wedding planners overlooked the obvious alternative of having stuffed animals do the job? I am reasonably certain that Care Bears would settle for a rainbow sticker in exchange for their troubles, as opposed to the fifty bucks a pop raked in by the pros described in the NYTimes article. How does that want ad read, anyway? What are the pre-reqs? “Community theater experience preferred.” I’m guessing they could land this one without a bachelor’s degree. . .
The pretend bride and groom did mention having had to read sappy vows ONLY ONCE during their tenure as professional proxy bride and groom. This may be the reason for the no Care Bear approach. Also for this reason, I am officially and STRONGLY urging this dear couple to write the most embarrassingly romantic and sexually explicit vows that those $50/per ceremony have ever been asked to read! Come on, let’s get our money’s worth and keep these pro-proxies on their toes! Things must get a bit monotonous out there in that large and sparsely inhabited state.
Another thing: can we just acknowledge once and for all that the term “Proxy Groom” sounds like nothing so much as the inspired brand name of some sort of colonic hygiene device approved by the Proctologists of America?
At this point, I am just waiting by the mailbox for my Save the Date card, so I can book my flight to Big Sky Country.