Snarky In The Suburbs has inspired me many times, and never more than with her divine end-of-year awards to all of the special lovelies that
infest grace her favorite suburban institution.
Of course, urban schools do some damned honoring of their own, thank you very much; so how you feelin’? I don’t understand that either. My students recently began to use that expression, “So how you feelin?'” to follow up some razor witty jab like, “Really? Say it to my face. That’s what I thought. So how you feelin’?” I rank it up there with the thinking man’s retort: “Duh” — also a popular morsel of repartee that is parleyed about within the walls of my language-rich classroom environment.
I asked Seth McFarlane to host this year, but Mr. McRudeface has not returned my emails. So I went ahead and asked my room mother to do it! Remember the Room Mother, who brings treats and makes crafts with the kids and goes on field trips? Oh, wait—I don’ t have a room mother. And we don’t go on field trips. My assumption is that the reason I have not seen most moms once all year is because they are super busy laying the home foundation for success for their offspring–my students. I have a colleague who does crazy extreme sports, such as making home visits to students. In the process, she gets the down and dirty stories of how someone became someone’s legal guardian because he was abandoned by her crack dealer when he was a tiny baby. So the crack buyer offered to take in the tiny baby and some wise court decided that would be a good idea.
It looks like Ms. Peachy is stuck with the emcee duties this year. Snarky has suggested that I don’t wear a maxi skirt. DAMMIT! You don’t know the neighborhood in which I teach. Snarky’s stripper on the top, Little House on the Prairie on the bottom assessment is where it’s at in these parts. We are talking evening gown here.
For our first category, we would like to recognize those who do so much for our school through our Parent Teacher Organization! Oh, wait. Our Parent Teacher Organization has one person. . . Thank you, once again, Belinda, for having been the ONLY responsible and involved parent in your neighborhood! You get a BIG box of chocolate, courtesy of the PTO! We forgive you for not trying to fundraise!
MOST OBVIOUS METH USER!
It took a lot of investigation, but your toothless, perpetually pregnant inability to navigate every wheelchair ramp in the school with a six-year-old-laden umbrella stroller eventually clued us in on your championship status in this category! Here’s a backpack filled with school supplies, deodorant for your pubescent daughter, a scented candle, some gourmet teas, and bath salts! Name withheld due to pending investigation.
MOST DEVOUT/SEXY-GROSS/METH USER!
It takes a special someone to rock the low-cut tank top plus crucifix-cradled-in-my-cleavage parent/teacher/administrator meeting to discuss your child’s borderline psychotic daily behaviors look! And who could forget your brazen disregard for the convention of TEETH?
FUTURE GANG BANGER AWARD:
It was a tough call, with more contestants in the running than we would care to admit, but after much deliberation, with your dedication to recording in writing the names of your potential shank recipients, you edged out the competition, Sh’ Diaper! Here’s a scented candle to support you in your pyromania! Name withheld due to pending investigation.
ONLY PERSON AWARE OF THE EXISTENCE OF MANNERS IN YOUR GRADE AWARD!
Never mind that you were not born in this country, and therefore have no prayer of ever passing any state test; somehow you have intuited the perfectly proper use of the conventions of politeness, INCLUDING the words “thank you,” “good morning,” and the advanced, “Excuse me.” You are, literally, one in 800! Congratulations, Ay Bee Cee, and accept our golden pendant, along with this first generation bulletproof vest.
THERE IS FREE PIZZA IN THE CAFETERIA!
BUT FIRST, MORE AWARDS. . .