For realsies

Dr. Peachy, Medicine Woman–There Will Be Blood October 15, 2013

Filed under: humor,school,teaching — peachyteachy @ 8:42 pm
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I’ve determined that my cosmic chemistry (which happens to also be a popular elective at the University of Phoenix) has positioned me to attract the bleeding and infirm of our young learners.  Within five minutes of the arrival bell on any given day, you might peek into my room and think that I was wearing a velcro suit, by the looks of the three-to-five children who are attached to my sides and burrowing into the folds of my clothing.

A year and a half ago, when I embarked upon the blogging journey, I speculated that I might owe the school nurse a case of wine or six.   At this point,  I need to look into buying her a timeshare in Boca Raton.

“Ms. Peachy, my stomach hurts.”

“Okay, put your head down, let’s see how you’re doing at gym time.”

After gym, “My stomach still hurts.”

“Since you just performed ‘Flashdance,’ let’s sit down for more than eleven seconds and see how you feel.”

Three minutes later, “My stomach still hurts.”

“Honey, how about you write down exactly where your stomach hurts and when it started and what you ate today.”

“Ms. Peachy, I was looking in my desk for my pencil and I hit my head on the desk.  Can I sharpen my pencil? And my stomach still hurts.”

Child skips out of the building during fire drill.

Upon return, her stomach—well, you know.

Ten minutes before dismissal: “Ms. Peachy, my stomach still hurts.”

“You made it to the end of the day! Yaaay! Great job! Go get your things to go home!”

Don’t judge, people.  I am not insensitive. This is a daily script.  Oh, and don’t quote me the old teacher comeback, “Show me the blood.” My kids are happy to show me the damn blood, dripping down their legs, arms, eyelids.  And their compassionate classmates make sure to alert me of each and every bloody incident.  My own little Blood Alert Posse.

At least I am not Miley Cyrus’ TV stepmom once removed.



8 Responses to “Dr. Peachy, Medicine Woman–There Will Be Blood”

  1. WSW Says:

    This is eerily similar to conversations I have with my husband while visiting his family. And yes, my stomach really does always hurt, starting the exact moment we arrive and reaching a nauseating crescendo with the presentation of the spaghetti bolognese accompanied by delicious broccoli, raisin and walnut salad dressed with miracle whip and salt. If you were there, I’d bury my head in your skirts, too.

    • peachyteachy Says:

      I hope that I am not fabricating a mini version of your visits to in-laws. That would suck. It may indeed make her tummy hurt when I ask her to learn because she really really really just wants to draw hearts and rainbows and use tissues and hand sanitizer all day.

  2. Katie Says:

    Hanitizer must have some kind of addictive chemical in it. The lure is strong. Very strong.

  3. When I served as lunch dad, my stock answer to all stomach questions was “go and try to use the toilet.” i don’t know if it was the remedy, but to a kid, they came back from the pot a happier lot. It could probably work with grown-ups, too.

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