How to Be a Super Great Teacher
1. Go to the state’s website.
2. Log in. Expect this process to bring you to your knees.
2. Fill out the life-or-death information in online form. This is more important than your college application essays. Because if you screw it up, the students will cease to exist, and therefore be unable to contribute a high stakes test score to nail your career securely into its coffin.
3. Do not navigate away from form, because the state does not save anything. Except test scores.
4. Copy the screen in its entirety to your desktop.
5. Email this to someone whose computer actually has the capability to print to one of three printers in the expansive building that masquerades as a “school,” or sometimes “asylum.”
6. Beg this privileged special someone to print it. You might offer a small sacrifice, such as chocolate, a ream of copy paper, or a box of wine.
7. Retrieve the document from the printer. Sign it in the blank signing place. Silver lining: Cardio Blast!
8. Go to main office, scan and email the document to yourself. Now it’s a pdf. Your computer is very distressed, due to the fact that the last time Adobe was updated was during a Bush administration.
9. Go back to the still-open state form, browse, and upload the God-forsaken pdf to the heavens. Give a copy to the office masters and shove one into your own file marked “God-forsaken State forms, 2013/2014”
10. Do the Hokey Pokey and turn yourself around. That is, truly, what it is all about. If you imagine the Hokey Pokey accelerated and frantic, with strobe lights, that will give you an idea of the subsequent round of paperwork, the description of which I will spare you, because I don’t want to wake up tomorrow with a hundred fewer followers. . .