peachyteachy

For realsies

An Open Letter to Lands’ End or,   The Case of the Sapphire Blue Jacket  April 1, 2019

Filed under: humor,Style,Uncategorized — peachyteachy @ 10:12 pm
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jacket blue

Dear Lands’ End, 

It is with the heaviest of hearts that I write to tell you today about the loss of My Precious. The tale begins in an ordinary way.  the day was brisk but sunny as I made my way to the salon for a cut and color.  As I walked through the door way my stylist and friend commented on the fact that she had the same jacket as mine, as she proceeded to take my jacket to hang in the back closet. What a coincidence! 

We went about the business of cutting and coloring— Me time of the highest order.  Little did I know that I would soon be plunged into the depths of an outerwear tragedy.  

I flipped through a magazine, checked my emails while I was “processed.” I don’t mind being processed l\like a can of Spam; and paying for it. In this way Spam and I are one.  

Of coursel all self-care must come to an end; I gathered my things while my stylist walked to the back to get my coat. Except my jacket was no longer there. The search party of haircare professionals failed to locate it. Someone resisted the suggestion that we alert the authorities.

Inner monologue: 

“Nooooooooooooooooooooo!”

Outer fake and casual me: 

“It will turn up!”  

Inner:

“What kind of sick, remorseless, sociopath would inflict such anguish”

Silver lining:  I got to borrow my stylist’s identical jacket, which was super nice but it wasn’t the same because it wasn’t my size. As you well know, this is a goddamned three season jacket! I even ordered a new Primaloft ( read: miraculously light insulation) jacket but it’s not blue and it’s just not as cute as Old Blue. I named the jacket after having lost it. 

She is gone, but not forgotten. Thank the powers there wasn’t a can of Spam in the pocket.

 

Yours Truly,

PeachyTeachy

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Northeastern Easter Fashion Report April 22, 2014

Filed under: fashion,girl stuff,holiday,humor,Style,Uncategorized — peachyteachy @ 2:13 pm
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No, that’s not Kanye’s next baby name.

Easter fashion has always been an entity unto itself.

I recall a certain purple gingham maxi dress I wore one Easter when I was eight or so. Then there are those I-dare-you- to-wear-me deranged Easter bonnets. I hold that the purpose of these is to provide ample nesting materials for local bird life.

This year, I was struck by nothing so much as the pastel floral number worn by a lovely young lady whose parents I hope were far, far away.  Because this is the stuff of cardiac events.

Daughter in question chose to celebrate the resurrection of her personal lord and savior (or possibly the end of Passover? Larry Flynt’s birthday?) by sporting the always appropriate vagina-length stretch dress.

At what point, I mused while trying to come up with a sentence I could say out loud that did not contain the  term “vagina-length dress,” did she become comfortable wearing said hemline? Probably best that I never learn.  Though I am toying with a scenario where the girl is a rebelling Amish-ette, taking things just a bit too far…or not far enough.

I do feel that my experience could give rise to one of those helpful questions one might ask oneself while shopping, dressing, or contemplating cutting off part of a dress: “Will anyone look at me and think ‘vagina-length?'”

And, while you’re at it, say a prayer for my computer. It doesn’t know what the hell to wear.

 

 

 

Stuff That Feels Like Christmas to Me December 13, 2013

This plastic church. It played “Silent Night.”

These angel chimes.  When I was little, I would watch and listen to the angel chimes while gazing out of the big front window of my grandparents’ house on the bluff.  I could see all the lights down in the harbor from there.  It was magical.

This tree–a white pine, where I found a bird’s nest, the first Christmas after my mother died (I added the birds). I always have to find a white pine, because we always cut one down from the “back forty” when I was growing up.

This year, I have a fat old white pine.  I tried to bring it in, but the water in its bucket had frozen.  And so, I patiently wait.

Image: http://thumbs1.ebaystatic.com/d/l225/m/mq4JuTFX97NTmDn4ilAryBQ.jpg

 

 

Cop-out Gifts From Gentlemen to Ladies November 28, 2013

Filed under: fashion,girl stuff,humor,music,Style — peachyteachy @ 7:59 pm
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Fragrance purchases are the lamest of the lame of the stuff that guys cop out and buy for their ladies.  I have never spoken to one woman friend who expressed a desire to receive fragrance.  Incidentally, guys, they don’t want lingerie in a size too small, either.

It pisses me off that I can’t understand fragrance commercials. The Katy Perry one? “Killer Queen?” If Freddie Mercury showed up, singing the song from the grave, a la that puzzling ad for Dior where Charlize Theron chums it up with Grace Kelly and Marilyn Monroe—if that happened, THAT would give it some street cred.  Am I really supposed to buy this empowerment message, that Katy is so free when she cuts off her corset (oh, wait–she kept the corset. Cuz it’s hot.)?

The problem is that these ads are all shot through the most male heterosexual lens possible.  Thus the absence of Freddie Mercury, in all his gay and brilliant glory. 

Just know, guys, that a gift card to anywhere that is not a grocery store or a vacuum cleaner dealer is gonna get you more game than a damned overpriced bottle of perfume.  Face it; so many people these days have asthma and can’t deal with smelling stuff anyway.

The exception to this rule: if you are eight years old and you pick out perfume from Rite Aid for your mommy.  You are golden.  Come to think of it, perhaps this is why men think that cologne is the ticket for getting that special reaction.  That’s sweet.  But that ship has sailed, Skippy.

Image: http://queenrockband.blogspot.com/2013/05/freddie-mercury-freddie-mercury-muses.html

 

Peachy and the Purple Pedicure July 27, 2013

Meet Peachy’s Purple Pedicure.

This is about as close to a “selfie” as you are ever going to see here.  Besides, I read a snotty piece of advice on some snotty piece of social media that no one wants to see your location by seeing your toes in the foreground.  Rebel that I am, I take that as a challenge.  I may even take a beach one, just to be beachy about it. It is ever-so-slightly artistic, seeing as how the pedicure is such an ephemeral event.

 

Here, Peachy’s Purple Pedicure plans dinner.  Don’t worry, no food was foot-touched.

Finally, Purple Pedicure pumps iron.

It’s no garden gnome, but it’s not a fish face in the bathroom mirror, either.

 

Even When the Sun is Not Shining, Spinal Tap Delivers July 3, 2013

hydrangea hosta fernMy garden is happy, because there’s been a lot of rain, and I am here every day to take care of it.  Some of my favorite stuff in the gardens are the foliage color and textural compositions.  These mobile images that I emailed to myself do not want to become larger within the post.  Apologies to my far more accomplished photographer/readers–advice graciously accepted. If you could see them better, you could see a lacecap hydrangea, a Japanese painted fern, and a little hosta called Golden Tiara up there.  Below, ferns are growing through a weathered bench.  I love that sort of thing as well. Shoot me, though, if I cross the line to wagon wheels and toilets planted with flowers.  I’m whimsical, but not that damned whimsical.

bench

I freaking love flowers.  I am also a big fan of container gardens, especially ones with different things going on. In the blue pot below, I have these gorgeous Lemon Gem marigolds–they are so much greater than run-of-the-mill marigolds, because their foliage smells lemony, and the flowers are edible.  Amazing.  The big leaves are those sweet potato vines—I dug them out of the pots last fall and saved them over the winter.  It took awhile, but they are taking off now, which makes me absurdly happy.

marigold

Happy July Third, flower people.

In a slightly related note, I would like to propose that a new tradition be launched, in the spirit of the annual Thanksgiving playing of Arlo Guthrie’s “Alice’s Restaurant.”  July third listening of Spinal Tap’s “Listen to the Flower People” starts today! Share with your friends! Here we go.

 

My Little Pony: Life Lessons April 21, 2013

“I think you’ve taken your assertiveness training too far, Fluttershy! You can’t go around being mean to everypony!” The formerly too-nice Fluttershy had begun to terrorize somepony  in Equestria on a daily basis. Friendship is magic, after all, and so it was intervention time.

There’s a reason that My Little Pony is such a cult classic, like Plato and Aristotle.

Before now, I hadn’t considered the fact that this could be a factor for those meanies that come across my path in many forms:  they’ve just taken their assertiveness training too far! Clearly, assertiveness training is a free course, accompanied by free snacks, held in some church basement, or, possibly, basketball court in the neighborhood of our fun-loving elementary school.

In a fascinating turn, it would appear that another stratum of my little slice of human interactors has ALSO gone a little hog wild with the assertiveness training!  While the youngsters practice their pec-to-pec assertiveness bump (derived from years of study in the wild of the assertive mountain goat), the folks at the top of the food chain are correcting the errors in their too-nice ways, sporting their newfound skills of belittling and blaming those over whom they reign.  Nopony’s staging an intervention for these folks, though, which can be problematic if you’re an underling in the organization.  Note that the underlings have not been offered assertiveness training as quality professional development.  That would defeat the purpose of underlings.

Can’t we just all be Bronies and get along?

image: http://abadcookie.deviantart.com/art/Fluttershy-s-Rage-288099157

“My Little Pony” is a registered trademark of Hasbro, Inc., the same company that brings you G.I. Joe Retaliation Snake Eyes Ninja Chucks.

 

 
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