Some “Burgers” Should Never Be Made October 3, 2013

 

 

This is one of them. 

My son ran across this page in one of my cookbooks.  I probably cooked these evil morsels and wrote this upwards of ten years ago.  These are the very notes I added on that fateful day.   I resented this recipe for a long, long time.  But perhaps this goes without saying. . . As you can see, I was a passionate cook, even then.  

The title, “Hell’s Kitchen” was, it seems clear to me, created due to the existence of this recipe. If, for any reason, you find yourself tempted to Google this recipe and try it, know that this temptation is arising from the bowels of the underworld, and that nothing pure and holy can result.  

DON’T DO IT!

Consider yourself forewarned.

 

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Caprese Salad: The Food of the Gods July 9, 2012

This is what dinner looks like (in July) in a home where a teacher lives!  There is basil in the garden! Tomatoes aren’t “in” yet (that means in season, not trendy) in the backyard, but you can get some at the grocery store that don’t taste like soggy rice cakes.

Okay, the bologna thing still happens.  See previous confession, “Bad Parenting with Bologna/Baloney”

I know that you want a stylized, Pinteresque tutorial on how to construct this delicacy, so here is a picture of the ingredients:

Here’s what you do: Chop up some garlic and then warm it up with a couple of tablespoons of good olive oil in the microwave (or on the stove, if you feel that microwaves are Satan’s cooking devices—but, really, come on—his appliances were installed long before the introduction of the lowly microwave).  This makes the fresh garlic less raw and bitey.  If you want to offend Giada De Laurentiis, you may want to substitute garlic powder.  Then whisk in a tablespoon or so of balsamic vinegar.  By this time, you have sliced and arranged your tomatoes and fresh mozzarella in a way that could only be done by someone who did not go to work today.  If you did go to work, and you can still do this, I just need to hold on to the the belief that you have some large dust bunnies nesting elsewhere.  Toast up that nice Italian bread a bit, arrange it and your lovely basil and then drizzle your garlic/oil/balsamic yum over everything. Salt and fresh ground pepper.  Serve chewing gum for dessert, as everyone’s breath will smell like that of an old Italian dude.

Boom! Food of the Gods!