For realsies

If Jimi Hendrix Was Lactose Intolerant May 22, 2013

Filed under: food,humor,music — peachyteachy @ 6:48 pm

An unsettling thought! I know! You knew that Jimi was a gas, but you never knew the extent of it. To be fair, neither did anyone else.

My insatiable thirst for knowledge led me to do some minimal investigative research on this issue: surely other well-known superstars suffer from the tummy malady, I reasoned, even if Jimi pre-dated the age of LI awareness (yeah, that’s short for Lactose Intolerance–pretty cool, huh?).  Makes you wonder—was it REALLY a drug overdose? Or an ice cream binge? And what medical examiner would ever own up to those un-rock-and-roll findings? No medical examiner, that’s who.

But check this out: The site is so charming that it sports a cow icon.  How freaking complicated is that? The list is just super well-constructed.  See for yourself.

Other Celebrities that are lactose intolerant (we are not provided with the Central celebrity around whom all remaining celebrities become “other.” For our purposes, we shall assume that it is Jimi.)

Cindy Lauper

Lisa Cudrow (not worth a Google to ascertain correct spelling before revealing digestive secrets)

Erick Dickerson
Hall of Fame football player

Jackie Joyner Kersee

Aaron Mackie-
basketball player (THANK YOU!)

Dusty Baker (Whoever the hell that is.  Breathing a sigh of relief that Dusty dodged a bullet and only his/her daughter is afflicted)
Daughter is lactose intolerant

Woopie Goldberg

Mark Spitz
Olympic swimmer

Sherry Stringfield

Joanna Kerns
Mother on Growing Pains, in case you forgot, but still remembered Sherry Stringfield’s bio.

Dustin Nguyen
Popular Vietnamese-American actor known(by no one) for his role on 21 Jump Street

Aisha Tyler
Husband and family member have lactose intolerance Is she on some Real Housewives show? They can’t have lactose intolerance, can they? You can get cosmetic surgery for bloating, right? Mystery family member, nice to meet you. 

Anne Hathaway
Actress from Princess Diaries. She suffers from lactose intolerance. She does? That would explain why she is on a list entitled, “Other Celebrities that are lactose intolerant.” Punctuated and capitalized by dairy cattle.

Lisa Vultaggio Pretend person.

Aimee Mullins My imaginary lactose-intolerant friend. 

Randy Jackson
American Idol judge and music producer

Mira Sorvino
Academy award winning actress. She recently had her first baby. She is lactating. 

Nancy Kerrigan
Olympic ice-skater, wife and mother. She has a 9 yr old kid who is lactose intolerant. And a big scar on her leg.

Star Jones
Host on The View and coming out in Relative Strangers with Danny DiVito, Kathy Bates, etc..

Toni Braxton
Top selling music artist, wife and mother

Kimora Lee Simmons
Fashion designer for Baby Phat and wife of legendary businessman Russelll Simmons
Ron Silver
Character actor from Ali, West Wing, etc… Suffers from lactose intolerance

Kelly Lynch
Acclaimed actress, wife and mother.

Tamyra Gray
Contestants on American Idol and has made recurring appearances on Boston Public

Oscar de la Hoya
Legendary boxing champion

Scott Burns

Carl Mixworthy
TV Show- West Wing

Sideshow Bob Hands down, the best addition to this list.

Denise Lewis
Olympic gold medalist

Rachel hunter With a capital H!

Married to Rod Stewart He wishes. He dreams of those gassy days. 

Michelle Rodriguez

Michael Rasmussen
Professional cyclist

Angelica Vale

Corinne Brown

Lavender Diamond A band cannot be collectively lactose intolerant. Unless that is your niche.  

Shelley Long

Terence Stamp

Michael Stipe Everybody hurts.


Okay, the list was clearly compiled a while ago, and its author may have succumbed to lactose intolerance and passed away before he or she had the chance to edit the horrificness, but I, for one, am grateful that it was left for our eyes only.  Please feel free to add your super celebrity secret tidbits to the LI Hall of Fame or its members!


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