Oh, Cub Scouts. Oh, Pinewood Derby. Oh, mommy humiliation at the horrific reality of having the only minimalist (read: ghetto) car at the event. You are supposed to transform your car into a tank, or a monster, or maybe even a parade float. Ours looked more like a suet cake on wheels. With googley eyes. One of the uniform-wearing types in my kid’s “den” asked him point-blank, “Did you work hard on that?” Yeah, about as hard as you worked on tying that neckerchief, Skippy. We will invest in the uniform shirt after taxes come back. Maybe.
I’m the mom. I don’t go to the Cub Scout meetings. This means that males have to acquire all of the relevant information using only their own rudimentary listening skills. This is why we somehow did not know that the one-time “Car Cut” event meant that you either go and have your block of wood cut into some awesome shape, or you will have to use your own woodshop at home to work pinewood magic. Alternately, you could try a chain saw or, possibly, an emery board. I don’t know how the thing finally wound up “cut,” and it’s probably best that I don’t.
It’s also mysterious the way that I ended up being the one waiting in the interminable line to have the car scrutinized and weighed, clenching my teeth while whisper-yelling at my son, “Turn your voice down and don’t say things like, ‘It’s lame!’ People can see it for themselves!” Grace and composure were pretty much oozing from my pores at this point. Friday night scout event after five days of teaching fifth graders–let’s just say it doesn’t make for super mom behavior. When I noticed his dirty fingernails, it was all I could do not to scream, “You have a lame-ass car AND you didn’t clean your nails?!”
And another thing. . .I know for a fact that there were no espresso-based drinks whatsoever served at this gala– yet, my son has not stopped chattering at an elevated volume since we returned an hour and a half ago. Crazy stuff, too. The only reasonable conclusion is that the scout council is so desperate for funds (above “Boys Life” subscriptions and high-end neckerchiefs), they went and had Red Bull sponsor the event. Good one, Pinewood Pack.