
Imagine, if you will, that you are a teacher in an urban elementary school. For the past ten months it has been your duty to systematically improve the outcomes of twenty-some little less-than-nine-year-olds. Pants have been wet. Spider monkey howls have been howled. Swaths of duct tape have hovered within centimeters of certain lips. I only alluded once out loud to a possible need to wear Pull-Ups to school due to frequent “I have a true emergency” pleas. If you do not see the miracle in the fact that students and teacher are still standing, you clearly need to watch more episodes of The Simpsons.
And so, the time has come, once again, to fill a space barely larger than that of a triple Tweet, with the critical written message that may be the only communication that a parent reads about their child (I don’t assume that they have read the previous comments). Also, the dang Cricket phone has long since been disconnected. As I have noted before, the nature of report card comments has been ambushed, like everything else in public education, by the Data Dementors. We are required to report mostly in numeric code. What’s left must tread lightly into the realm of the human being child. You’ll see what I mean. Please note: I use the word “actual” loosely.
Actual comment:
Skylark has increased her reading level from C to F. This is still far below the grade level target of M. Skylark continues to struggle with addition and subtraction within 20, and scored 27% on the most recent math assessment. Please practice daily with the materials sent home for the summer. I am hopeful that Skylark will focus on her schoolwork in order to make lots of progress next year!
Fake comment:
Skylark has progressed from level C (Come ON!) to level F (Freaking pay attention and look at the word and not your sparkly press-on nails that get lost on the floor and prevent you from looking at these things called letters!). Skylark is amused by Kleenex. Skylark won our class award for most consecutive days without turning in homework! Way to go above and beyond, Skylark!
Actual comment:
Bruce Lee has made some progress with math computation, and scored 40 out of 50 points on the end-of-year timed facts quiz. He should be reading at level M at the end of this grade, but struggled to reach K, as he sometimes gives up on tasks, and is tempted to socialize. I am confident that he will make more positive behavior choices next year. Good luck, Bruce!
Fake comment:
Bruce Lee could be the most successful kid in the class, but he is fully focused on his Thug-In-Training program. He was the first in the grade to learn to make spit balls! He believes that his desk is a wheelbarrow, and his seat, a rocking chair. His anger at being asked to complete schoolwork is surpassed only by his commitment to wear all-camo, all day, every day. I was delighted at his progress when he stated that, “I don’t steal markers from you anymore.”
Actual comment:
Tazmania scored 19 out of 50 points on her final math assessment, short of the grade level target of 40. She also has struggled with understanding what she reads, scoring 35% on her last unit assessment. Tazmania is frequently distracted and will need to focus on controlling her body as she moves on to the next grade level. Good luck next year, Taz!
Fake comment:
Tazmania practices Desk Twerking on a daily basis. We are all impressed by her ability to elevate her tush like that, and so often! She finds it difficult to complete assignments, as she is generally at eye level with her desk, which is a treasure trove of all the pencils, rubber bands, and sticky notes missing from the room at any given time. I am hopeful that her practice at lying pathologically will contribute to lots of improvement in her writing next year! Good luck, Tazmania!
Now, on to the comedy that is summer professional development!
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Teaching for College and Career Readiness? Yup! November 15, 2014
Tags: absurdity, kids, math, sarcasm, teacher, urban report card comments
One of the things they tell teachers is that one should not use sarcasm in the classroom. Anyone who has read a few of my blog posts knows that if I took one of those moronic Facebook quizzes that ask “How sarcastic are you?” I would fall somewhere between “80 and 97 percent sarcastic”. On a good day. That’s right, I embrace sarcasm as a trusty lifeskill, and I am proud to share that skill with my beloved students. Without sarcasm, most teachers would be found collapsed in a pool of their own tears by the end of any given day.
Case in point: one teacher was attempting to teach a math lesson on a recent Friday afternoon. She was holding the promise of the weekly prize drawing over the students, in the hopes that this might inspire some
shut upreduced volume in the room. One student in particular was yukking it up as if the expanded form of 768 was as entertaining as an episode of Sponge Bob. Also, she was repeatedly sticking her ample booty above the desk. As a holder of an advanced degree, I can categorically assure you that sticking your ass in the air is not conducive to learning, at least not in math. Look it up. In my archives.The aforementioned excellent teacher made a suggestion to the class: “You can thank Ms. Zippity Doo Dah for the fact that we won’t have time for our prize drawing.”
To this, of course, several students complied, saying, “Thank you, Zippity Doo Dah.” *sigh* Clearly, this teacher had not delivered enough instruction in sarcasm. . .
But then, from out of the clear blue sky, another student, in a raspy and disgusted voice, like that of a 40-year-old smoker, yelled out, “You’re not supposed to say ‘THANK YOU!'”
“You’re supposed to just SIT THERE!”
The teacher swelled with pride. Until the day got even better. The student continued, confirming that the teaching of the higher understanding of the sarcastic remark had been successful after all.
“. . .and FEEL ASHAMED!”
Teachers really do make a difference, after all.
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