Guru of Grades Back to Guide Your Report Card Comment Writing March 21, 2013

Yup! Another marking period has screeched to an underachieving halt! Time to candy coat the truth.

Of course, I never bore you with the comments about the kids who are actually trying most of the time–that’s just the apex of yawner blogging.

Here’s a pearl of report card writing wisdom:

Douchebags first.  If you write the comments for the really tough ones first, you will be fresh and more likely to be able to spin something positive out of their ability to crease paper by licking it first. Some things, on the other hand,  are better left alone.  Sometimes one just needs to wait for the police to step in and communicate to the parent that their kid is both a pathological liar and a kleptomaniac.

On to the nitty-gritty.

Actual comment:

De’nice (pronounced “Dee-Nice” -see What Makes Teachers Laugh) has shown an interest in writing independently.

Unwritten comment:

Denice wrote “Bitch Ass Teacher” on a math poster in the classroom–independently.

Actual comment:

Scooter has expressed an interest in the performing arts.

Unwritten comment:

Scooter lives his every waking moment in school as if he is auditioning for the Three Stooges.

Actual comment:

I continue encouraging Reggie to make mature choices in his response when he receives a consequence in the classroom.

Unwritten comment:

We have an agreement that if he has another whining baby fit over changing his daily “score,” he will watch the same episode of “Teletubbies” for the remainder of the school day.  This could backfire, but only once.

Actual comment:

De’nice claims to have used up all of her school supplies.

Unwritten comment:

The notebooks you sent with her are filled with obscenities and anatomically accurate diagrams of reproductive “tools.” Also, the markers, crayons, pencils, Liquid Paper, tape, cardstock, candy, dice, dry erase markers, glue sticks, scissors, and fancy hand lotion were not obtained through legit trips to the class “prize box.”  De’nice has stolen me blind and I am the one who is out of school supplies.

image: http://www.zazzle.com